


Off the Path

by DangerDoctor



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: 2P USUK - Freeform, 2P!USUK - Freeform, F/M, M/M, allan is a national park ranger, and arthur and oliver are twins, briefly mentioned nyo!eng x france, uhhhh what are tags idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 11:57:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14448792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangerDoctor/pseuds/DangerDoctor
Summary: Allan picks up the phone of the emergency desk at Glacier National Park. A panicked, high-pitched British voice comes over the line claiming he's going to die. Allan attempts to calm him down.A 2p!USUK fic.





	Off the Path

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LuxLox](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuxLox/gifts).



> this is from 5 years ago. unedited. @LuxLox begged me to upload this trash for some reason. Enjoy.

Another ring on the phone. Allan picked it up with no delay, smirking as he talked - although nobody could see him through the phone, of course. That was probably a good thing. 

"Glacier National Park, Ranger Allan H. Jones here, how may I help you?" And this was his summer job. It'd been going well so far. There was nothing he liked more than being almost alone in nature, so, hey, it was great. 

"I'm going to die, I'm going to die here, please help me I'm going to d-" A panicked, British voice rang over the phone, with the sound of rushing water in the background. Allan sighed.

"Alright, kid, I'm going to need you to calm down. Take a deep breath, look around you, and tell me your situation."

"I - I'm off the Avalanche Falls trail and I - I was on the trail but I slipped and now I'm on this rock and I can't get back up without slipping again and falling into the water and falling to my death -"

"Drowning's the main cause of death here at Glacier."

"That doesn't help!!" The sound of held-back tears. Great job, Allan. Doing great. 

"Okay, but listen to me, you're going to stay on the line with me, alright? Because if you cut me off, I'm going to have to assume you've drowned. And we definitely would not want that, kiddo. Got it?" Allan's voice remained smooth, calm, collected. As if nothing important was happening.

"O-okay, but how - how do I get out of here -"

"You don't."

"What do you mean!?"

"You don't try to get out. You wait. Where are you on the trail, kid?"

"I-I'm about a mile up, near - near the part where it's very steep -"

"Got that part, hon,"

"And there's broken trees halfway through this little... opening."

"Okay, now I got it. Two rangers are on their way now, holler when you see 'em, yeah?"

"Okay, thank you, goodb-"

"What did I tell you about staying on the line?"

"Oh."

"'Oh', yeah. Don't want you falling to your death anytime soon. How old are you anyways, kid?"

"I'm 23."

"Yikes, and I've been calling you 'kid' this entire time? Oh, well. I'm 21, and you might die today, so let's get to know eachother, yeah? You sound a lot like whatever the Muffin Man would sound like in real life. You like muffins?"

"..y-yeah, I'm a baker, I -"

"You run a bakery?"

"Not yet -"

"Well, you see, you can't step a foot into that water, sweetcakes, how else am I 'sposed to get my dozen of muffins if your bakery ain't even open yet?"

"...yeah."

"Yeah, what?" Allan asked as he twirled the phone cord between his fingers. "Yeah, you're going to tell me your favourite movie." 

"I have a lot, that I like to watch, you'd need to -"

"Narrow it down. Gotcha. Disney movie, hit me up."

"...probably Tangled." 

"That's a good one. I'm pretty much Eugene Fitzherbert himself, you know. In pretty much every single way." 

"...that's nice, ha, I think I'm a lot like Rapunzel because she's very naïve and clumsy, and she has freckles if you look cl -" Nothing but fuzz rang from the other end then. 

"Hello?? Hellooo, Rapunzel, sweetcakes, ya hear me on the other end? I'm going to have to dial emergency helicopters if ya don't..." And a click. Shit. Allan opened up his cell phone to call the emergency 'copter when the phone rang once more.

"Yes, hello?" 

"It's me, I'm so sorry I dropped my phone on the rock because this wave came over and now one of my legs is hanging in the water and I'm so scared I'm going to die alone without a boyfriend who ever loved me and my brother won't even probably know until tomorrow and I'll die without even starting my bakery -" Allan breathed a sigh of relief.

"Listen, honey. I'm going to get those muffins no matter what, so you best be living. Now tell me, is there a tree up above you that you can reach?" 

"Yes but I'd probably break it -" 

"Is it thicker than your wrist?"

"No, I'm fat and so this next wave will probably blow me right over to my death."

"Alright, well, it doesn't matter if you're fat, it matters how well your feet hold onto the rocks. Most people don't do so well, alright? Keep a tight grip on that phone, but if the phone whacks out of your hand again and it's either you or keeping on the line with me, I'd rather spend the thousands of dollars to send the emergency helicopter than to let you die, am I clear?"

"Mhm.."

"Now, just keep very still. And keep that one foot in the water tight in between some rocks, alright? Now, you were talking about Rapunzel having freckles?" 

"Yeah, I - if you look closely. I also have freckles so I guess I just thought it was kind of neat."

"It is. Now, what's your name?" 

"Oliver, and - "

"Last name?"

"Kirkland. Oliver Jack Kirkland."

"Mm, gotcha, Kirk. Anyone else call you Ollie? Embarrassing aunt? Crazy ex?"

"My brother."

"But is it alright if I also call you Ollie?"

"That - that's fine, I suppose."

"You best suppose, Ollie. See any rangers yet?"

"No.."

"Should be there soon. I'll get a hold of them now, if you see them hang up, tell me.. tell me about your brother. He crazy out of his mind?" Allan rested the landline phone against his shoulder and listened as he called the rangers he had sent out on his cell. 

"No, he's just a huge nerd and he's really been the sweetest brother ever, really, I mean - he pretty much raised me.. I wouldn't be hiking alone, normally, but I told him I was just going to visit the lodge, and I kind of just... took a detour."

"Yeah, Alice, Ben, where ya at?"

"Allan, for h- I'm almost there, alright?" Alice’s voice spoke over the phone, her British accent also quite distinctive.

"He's in danger. How close?"

"Close. Stay on the line and I'll let you know when I see him." 

"Alright." Allan muted his cell and turned back to face the landline. 

"And one time we went to Disney World and it was a huge surprise, I really loved it. He's really great, and also -" 

"He sounds great, Ollie. Huge freaking nerd, though, I can tell. Now, you said you were going to die alone with no boyfriend, yeah?"

"Yeah, I mean I - I - I don't know, I think the water's getting stronger and my foot keeps slipping and I'm so scared so very scared - "

"Hey, keep a hold of any rock. Not just the same ones, any one will work. Usually big ones are better. You make it out of this though, I'll take you on a date, yeah? And if you die, I'll let everyone know you were flirting with the hottest man on Earth before you died, yeah?" Finally, Allan heard a laugh on the other end. A nervous laugh, but still a good sign.

"Haha, yeah, I - that works. Thank you. Very much. That sounds - that sounds very nice. Yes. I - sorry." 

"No, it's alright, baby doll, listen, if you died it'd cause the world a shame, you sound cute as hell, yeah? You see them - hold on, one second. Keep talkin."

"Well, I - my favourite things to bake are cupcakes... ? And I - oh, I - I -" A click from the line again as Allan answered his cell.

 

"I see him now, he's - Allan, what's the name!?"

"Oliver, why!?" Allan shouted after the young woman did, worried as he heard the other line cut off. 

"That's my - ah, whatever, I'll tell you later, you... He hung up his phone, by the way, he sees us and we threw him the rope. See you."

"Yeah. Thanks for making me scared for nothing. See ya later, scumbag." Allan sighed as he hung up the the phone and sat down. So Oliver was alright, everything was fine. 

Wait, shit. That's why Alice yelled. Her last name was Kirkland, they were probably - probably related. Oops. Allan might be going on a date with his little frenemy's cousin or something. Oh, well. Ollie sounded cute as hell, he wasn't kidding about that. 

It turned out that Oliver had major cuts on his leg, so he was put in the park hospital before Alice and Ben came back to the station. 

"Hey, Alice. Your last name's Kirkland." Allan said as he walked up to the woman with the blond hair in pigtails underneath her fancy lil' ranger hat, watching as Ben took over phone duty. Alice was absolutely soaked with water, but she seemed otherwise fine.

"Yeah, that's kind of real obvious, thanks for letting me know. Anyways, that was my cousin out there. Seeing him like that scared the bloody shit out of me, but hey. I did my job." She brushed her hair back behind her shoulders, sighing as she sat down on a bench in the small little visitor's center. Allan sat down next to her. 

"I knew it! Glad he's okay, he sounds like a really nice guy. Just kinda clumsy and shit. Anyways, how's things with the boyfriend?"

"He's still a big asshole."

"Yeah, I know, he's pretentious as hell, but so are you - you arguing like a married couple or an abusive couple?" 

Alice laughed softly, looking down as she squeezed her pigtails to let the water out. "..the first one, I love his stupid face and I guess he loves mine too."

"Good. If that ever changes, let me know, Al."

"Alright, 'Al', I will." 

"Speaking of dates. I have a date tonight. You think I look good and not stressed or anything?"

"You look like shit. Clean up."

"Honestly, though." Allan watched as Alice reached her hand over to his face, parting his hair a bit more to the side.

"That works. You look decent now. Depends, who's the date?"

"...nobody."

"Come on, I tell you about my love life all the time, Allan."

"Fine. It's your cousin." Alice burst into laughter, stopping only when Allan stared straight at her stone-cold. 

"What? I'm sorry, it's just - you - and Oliver - I can't... I can't really.. imagine that."

"Why? Does he have some weird secret? Is he actually the Muffin Man? Willy Wonka maybe?" 

"No, he's just - I can't really - he's very innocent, and you're - well - you're... not." Allan smirked.

"And? How innocent do you mean? Like, what shit could stop me from going out from this cutie of a cousin you've got?"

"That. He hates cussing. Too much ties to people he doesn't like."

"Oh. Yikes, okay, well - I don't cuss on the job, I can - treat it like those phone calls, I guess."

"You best do so. And he's... well, no, that's not exactly material for first date kind of stuff. Just be careful around him, he's very emotional, but he's very happy most of the time, and he - well, I'm glad I at least know you more than most people. You're actually a sweetheart, you're just a lowkey asshole to people you don't care for. Which is alright, I guess. It's good that he - I mean, you won't make him sad. Lots of people have. That's all I'll say there." 

Allan took a breath and let it out. "...Right. Gotcha. Not-so-good exes but as long as I'm not a complete asshole and don't cuss I'm good..?"

"It's Arthur I'd worry about it."

"Is that his brother?"

"Mhm. Some people say we're twins instead of him and Oliver, so that should make it pretty clear what he's like. Have fun on your date, Al."

"...oh, shit. Another you? Yeah, might back out of dating your cousin now. I can't deal with another set of caterpillars in my face." 

"Mm, you better. Don't disappoint my cousin, yeah? At least go on one date, that's the least you can do." 

"... oh, I'm still going on the date. Could you keep Arthur distracted, though?"

"Sure, whatever."

"Thanks. I'd recommend you don't look as wet as Francis makes you when you see him, though." 

"Shut the fuck up, you gutter-crawling worm."

"Mm, I'm so scared, Al. Hit me." Well, Allan got slapped by Alice a few times a month, it wasn't unusual when he felt that /glorious/ sensation against his face. Wonderful.

"Thanks for letting me get that out of my system, Allan. See your ugly face later. Have fun on that date." Alice said as she waved him off and went off to her car and went back to the hotel she was staying at, and conveniently spotted Arthur and Oliver walking inside as well. She ran up to them, wet hair flipping behind her in the chilly wind, making it inside just as the automatic door closed. 

"Arthur!"

"Alice! I almost forgot you worked up here in the summers! Oliver was just telling me about how you - oh, Christ. You did fall into the water, didn't you." Arthur looked at her with concern, watching as she dropped water all over the floor.

"Yeah, well, Oliver's safe. That's what matters. He's also got a date right here in the Great Northern at five with a guy I work with who was on the phone with him the entire time, I'm sure he told you about that."

"Actually, no."

"I was - I was getting to that, alright?" Oliver said, a blush creeping across his face as he looked from his cousin to his brother. 

"Yeah, well, Allan told me to not tell you he was going on a date, so I reserved us a table where we can see them and they can't see us. It's perfect." Alice whispered into Arthur's ear, laughing a bit as she looked over at Oliver. "I'm so glad you're safe, though, even if I have my quarrels with Allan. Just don't go hiking alone. Ever. Again. Yes?"

"Mhm." Oliver nodded. And yeah then Allan and Oliver go on the awesome fancy date and it turns out great.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for the shitty ending but like, i told you i wrote this 5 years ago and it's unedited from that point


End file.
